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Your Mama is sooooooooooooooo

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AMENZE

What is foreplay to Amenze?

Thirty minutes of begging.


What´s the difference between Amenze and an ironing

board?

It is initially difficult to open the legs of the

ironing board


What´s the difference betwwen Amenze an a phone

booth?

-You need money to use a phone booth

-Only one person can use a phone both at a time


Why does Amenze take thedaily pills

So they know what day of the week it is.


Why did she stop using the pill?

Because it keeps falling out.


Q: What are the worst six years in Amenzes life?

A: ´Primary 3

What´s Amenze`s favorite nursery rhyme?

Humpme Dumpme


Amenze ordered ram suya and tha mallam asked

"make I cut am into 6 pieces or twelve pieces?".

She replied " make am 6 pieces. I nogo fit finsh

twelve pieces."


What is Amenze´s idea of safe sex?

Locking the car door.


What´s the difference btw Amenze and the Titanic?

We know how many men went down on the Titanic.


Why did she tip-toe passing the chemist?

So she wont wake up the sleeping pills.


How did the guy get Amenze to marry him?

He told her he was pregnant.

And what did she ask him

Is it mine?


Why is her coffin Y_shaped?

Because as soon as she is on her back the legs are

open.


Why did Amenze move to GRA

Because it is easier to spell.


What´s the difference between Amenze and a guy?

Amenze has higher sperm count.


How do you keep Amenze buzy?

Write please turn over on both sides of a paper.

Q: Did you hear that Amenze stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?

A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.


Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for Amenze?

A: They take off her makeup.

YOUR MAMA`S SO fat...


the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity...

..she had to go to red sea to get baptized

..she walked past the TV and i missed 3 commercials

..she wears a yellow raincoat and people start yelling TAXI!

..she has to fly cargo class

..she has to wear a socks on each toe

..she ´s got shock absorbers on her toilet seat

..she fills the bathtub b4 putting water

..when she goes to shoe-shinner,she has to take his words that it´s done

..she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

..she has her own area code

..people jog arround her for exercise

..when she wears malcolm X t-shirt , hellicopter wants to land on her

..she shows up on radar

..she went to Prest Motels , looks at the menu and say "O.K."

..her year book foto took pages 42,43 and 44

..the horse on her polo is real

..she could start selling shades in summer

..

YOUR MAMA`S SO STUPID:::

..it took her 2hrs to see the film "60 mins"

..she spent 25mins starring at an orange juice pack because it read concentrate

..she asked me what kind of jeans I was wearing .I said Guess and she said oh Levis?

..when I asked her to buy me a color TV , she asked what color?

..she married your daddy

...she invented a silent car alarm.

...when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'

..she cooks with old spice

..she has only 2 fingers and she is asking people to " gimme five"

..she looks for sunday paper on thursday

..she puts your puppy in microwave to make hot dog

..she wanted to buy a solar powered flashlight

..when you were born she saw the umbilical cord and says "Dr. Ukiri, it comes with cable"

..she went to 24-hr shop and asked when they closed

..I taught her how to do the running man and I havent seen her since

..she has one short leg and walks in circles

..she gavebirth to you

..she thought 2PAC Shakur was a jewish Holliday

..she thinks socialism means partying

..when she haerd 90% of accidents occur at home, she moved

..She died ´cos she couldnt find eleven on the phone to dial 9-1-1-

..she got hit by a packed car

YOUR MAMA`S SO UGLY

..your daddy takes her to work everyday so he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye

..she tried joining an ugly contest and they said " sorry, we dont take professioners

..she made a blind kid cry

..when she was born they put her in an incubator with tinted glasses

..her parents first named her accident

..if ugliness were bricks she would have her own projects

..she walks on the streets and was arrested for attempted murder

..when she was born, Dr. Ukiri saw her placenta and thought she was a twin. She looks exactly like the placenta.

..she threw a frisby and it never came back

..govt movedHalloween to her birthday

...we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.



I saved your mother´s life today. I killed a shit eating dog


Your mama is so hairy Big foot took a foto of her


YO MAMA IS SO POOR

...that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

...burglars break into her home and leave money.

...when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied

...when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

...when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

...

#BLOND

Q:How do you kill 100 blondes in a submarine

A:Knock on the door

#How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree??

Wave at her...

#Two blondes were on there way to disney land when one of the blondes read the sign "disney land left".

So they went home...

#Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

#Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

#Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

#Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up its starting to rain and the top is down!

#LAWYERS

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied."I only have to outrun you."

#A lawyer´s dog stole a piece of meat fro a butcher´s

shop. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and ask

"If a dog steals a piece of meat from me, do I have

the right to demand payment from the owner?"

The lawyer answered "Absolutely"

"Then you owe me 230 Naira"

The lawyer paid.Several days later the lawyer got a

bill of 13,000Naira from thwe lawyer for

consultation.


Lawyer : Dr. Ukiri, how many autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

Dr. Ukiri : All my autopsies have been on dead

people.


It has been proven that lawyers are larval stage of

politicians


There are 2 kinds of lawyers . Those who know the

law and those who know the judge.


Why have scientists switched from researching with

guinea pigs to researching with lawyers?

1.Lawyers are far more plentiful

2.Lawyers multiply faster in number than guinea

pigs.

3.Animal right groups wont object their torture.

4.They are some researches pigs wont descend low to

undergo.


The only set back is that it is difficult to

extrapolate the test result to real human beings.

What´s the difference btw a lawyer and abucket of

shit?

The bucket.


Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No.

Good!.


How do you kill 4000 lawyers?

You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.


What´s the difference btw a hooker and a lawyer?

The hooker stops fucking you when you are dead.


How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.


Why wont vultures eat dead lawyers?

There are some things that would gag even a vulture.


Why wont Dr. Ukiri operate on lawyers?

He is not well trained in vet. medicine.


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his

neck in sand?

Not enough sand.




Lawyer: Did you kill the victim?

No. I didnt.

Lawyer : Do you know the penalty for lying in court?

Yes.It is a lot better than that for murder.


Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in

Warri?

A: I refuse to answer that question.

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in

Benin?

A: NO.


At a lady´s funeral was her lawyer, her doctr and

her painter. They all promised to put 100,000 Naira

in her grave dnd the doctor and painter did. The

lawyer collected the 200,000Naira and left a check

of 3000,000Naira.


"You seem to have more than average share of

intelligence for a man of your backgroung" snared a

lawyer during a court session.

"If I wasnt under oath, I´d return the compliment"

replied the farmer.


This man worth 60 Million Dollars died and left his

will for his good friend Mr. Iyare which read "Give

whatever you wamt to my wife and take the rest".

Mr. Iyare gave the wife 5 Million naira and kept 55

Million for himself.

" This is impossible" replied the wife. "After 57

years of marriage" She sued the case and on the

judgement day, the judge awarded the wife 55Million

and gave Mr. Iyare 5 Million Naira.

"The will is very clear my lord. I want the lion

share and the will gives me right" ptotested Mr.

Iyare.

"No," replied the judge. " the will says, give

whatever YOU want to the wife and take the rest"


A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked

how much is 2+2?

The accountant says " I think it´s 3 or 4. Lets run

the figure through the spreadsheet again".

The house wife says "four"

The lawyer dims the lights, draws the window blinds

together and asked in a low voice "How much do you

want it to be?".


Did you hear about the yoruba girl that is always

dating lawyers?

Her name is sosumi (so sue me)


Did you hear about the 2 indian lawyers that formed

a partnership ?

They called it " Cachem and Sioux"


Why dont Vampire bite lawyers?

They dont practice Cannibalism.


Why dont Hyenas eat Lawyers?

Even Hyenas have some dignity

What´s the difference btw a lawyer and a pig?

You can learn to respect a pig


Did you hear about the terrorist group that hiacked

a 747 full plane?

They treatened to release a lawyer every 30 minutes

if their demands arent met.


What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

They both have a 3 in a million chance of becoming a

human being.


What´s the difference btw God and a lawyer?

God doesnt think he is a lawyer.


#Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.

They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.

It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.

The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.

It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink ?" the doctor says.

"AFTER the police get here" replies the lawyer.

#What's the definition of lawyer?

The larval form of a politician

#Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.

A genie pops out. He says 'I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.'

The first guy says 'I want a million dollars.' The genie says 'Are you sure?' He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.

The second guy says 'I want a new car.' The genie says 'A lawyer is getting two new cars then.' The guy says, 'oh well. I want my car.' *poof* He has a new porche.

The third guy says 'I want to be beaten half to death.

#A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.

"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

#What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?

They both have a one in a million chance of being human.

#One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

#BAR AND DRINKING

High tech

A customer walked into a bar and started dialling numbers on his hand as if it were a phone. The bartender looked at him warily, "Look," warned the bartender, "I don't know what you're up to, but this is a tough neighbourhood and I don't want any trouble." The customer said: "I'm not out to cause trouble, I promise. Let me explain. I'm very hi-tech and I had a phone installed in my hand because I got tired of carrying around my mobile." The bartender looked at him as if he were a crank, "I don't believe a word of it." "OK," said the customer, "I'll prove it to you," And he pressed the digits on his hand, held his wrist up to his ear and began conducting a conversation. Then he gave his hand to the bartender and, to the bartender's amazement, he could hear a voice coming through the hand."That's incredible," said the bartender at the end of the call. "I was able to talk to someone through your hand." "It's ingenious," said the customer. "It means I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, anyone, without needing a conventional phone. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directed him down the corridor to the toilets but began to get a bit worried when the customer hadn't returned 20 minutes later. Knowing of the reputation of the neighbourhood, he thought he'd better go and check that he was all right. On opening the door, he found the customer spreadeagled against the wall, with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper rammed up his butt. "Oh God," exclaimed the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," answered the customer. "I'm just waiting for a fax."


A man was sitting quietly at the Atlantic bar when the bartender Ukwa presented him with a riddle. "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The man thought for a minute but then gave up. "It was me, you idiot!" exclaimed the bartender triumphantly. The man thought it was a good trick and decided to play it on his wife when he got home. He announced: "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?"His wife looked at him blankly and gave up.

"It was Ukwa. at the Atlantic bar, you idiot!"



This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

#One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

" Yeah, except today is the last night

#A guy told the bartender to give the pretty lady over there a drink on him. The bartender says dont bother yourself. I know her. She is lesbian. The guy courageously took the drink, went to the lady, gave her the drink and asked

"what part of lesbia are you from"

#One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.

Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."

When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"

#There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.

"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

#ANIMALS

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around

#Q: Does an elephant ever forget?

A: Only if you loan him money.

#Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

#FOREIGN

LEARN CHINESE

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung

#Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's butt.

Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?"

Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

#Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

#Iraqi TV Guide

MONDAY

8:00 Husseinfeld

8:30 Mad About Everything

9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY

8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right

9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things

9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY

8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy

9:00 Just Shoot Me

9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY

8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi

8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY

8:00 Judge Saddam

8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things

9:00 Achmed's Creek

9:30 No-witness News

#A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

#President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.

"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

MEN AND WOMEN

#5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around

the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable

and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed

and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet

#As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

#Man walks into the Doctors office.

"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live"

"Ten" replies the Doctor.

"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine"

#A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night".

"We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

#Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?

Because men won't stop for directions!

#Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?

Because if they all went it would be hell!



#What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,

C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah,

you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,

on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,

no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,

right now !

#Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...


He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....

MR BEAN

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL

>> > Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

>> > Mr. Bean: 9

>> > Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

>> > Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just

>> > twisted the figure, the

>> > answer is 6!!

>> > ****

>> > WHILE IN A DRUG STORE

>> > Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

>> > Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

>> > Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the

>> > alphabet yet!!

>> > ****

>> > QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

>> > Friend: What are you looking at?

>> > Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

>> > Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

>> > Mr. Bean: four asterisks!

>> > ****

>> > Friend: how many women do you believe a man must

>> > marry?

>> > Mr. Bean: 16

>> > Friend: Why?

>> > Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4

>> > poorer, 4 better and

>> > 4worse.

>> > ****

>> > CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND

>> > Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it

>> > Ok?

>> > Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a

>> > horror film. I didn't see

>> > any picture.

>> > Friend: What tape did you take anyway?

>> > Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

>> > ****

>> > Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.

>> > Friend: condolence, my friend.

>> > After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder

>> > Friend: what now?

>> > Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

>> > ****

>> > MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING

>> > Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an

>> > elevator for 4 hrs. because

>> > of a

>> > power failure.

>> > Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the

>> > escalator for 3 hrs.

>> > ****

>> > Spelling lesson

>> > Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of

>> > successful....is it one c or

>> > two c?

>> > Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

CARS AND MEANING

AUDI--Accelerate under demonic influence

BMW--Bought my wife

.--BRutal money waster

BUICK--Big ugly indistructible car killer

CAMARO--Cant america make a real one?

CHEVROLET--Can hear every valve rap on long extended

trips

DODGE--Drips oil, drops grease every where

FIAT--Failure in automotive technology

--Fix it all time

--Fix it again Tony

FORD--(BACKWARDS) Driver return on foot

--First on rust and deterioration

--fix or repair daily

--found on road dead

HONDA--Had one never had another

--Hand over dollars to asians

HYUNDAI--Hope you understand nothing´s drivable and

inexpensive

NISSAN--Now in some serious automobile nightmare

OLDSMOBILE--Old ladies driving slowly make others

behind infrustraingly late everyday

SAAB--Swedish automobiles always breakdown.



AIDS--After intercourse, die standing

--Another idiot dying slowly

ADIDAS--All day I dream about sex

BATA-- Buy and throw away

BEER-- Beginning enjoy, Ending regret

DHL--Delivery halfway lost.

DUNHILL--Do undress nicely. Hope it lasts long.

FBI--Female body inspector.

MBA--Married but available.


DOCTOR´S JOKES

"Doctor, please hurry, . My son swallowed a

razor-blade."

"Dont panic, . I´m coming soon. Have you done

anything yet?"

"Yes, I shave with the electric razor."


Dr Ukiri: I have some bad news and some very bad

news

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news

first

Dr Ukiri: The lab called yesterday with the

results.They said you have 24hrs to live.

Patient: 24hrs! That terrible. What could be worse?.

What´s the very bad news?

Dr Ukiri: I´ve been trying to reach you since

yesterday.


"Doctor, are you sure I have Pneumonia?. I`ve heard

about a doctor treating someone for Pneumonia and he

finally died of typhoid"

Dr Ukiri: Dont worry, it wont happen to me. If I

treat someone with Pneumonia, he will die of

Pneumonia.


"The doc. said he would have me on my feet in two

weeks"

"And did he?"

"Yes. I had to sell my car to pay the bill."


Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Dr Ukiri: Didnt the new glasses help you?

Patient: Sure. I now see the spots better.


Doctor ,I found my dog unconscious. Please do

something.

The doc. examines the dog to be dead.

No no. He cant be dead. Do something.

The vet goes to another room and comes back with a

cat.The cat sniff up and down and leaves.That

confirms the cat dead.

Ok doc. I guess you are right. How much do I pay

you.

180 Dollars for consultation and 1200Dolars for CAT

SCAN.


Patient: Doctor Skeezee, I keep seeing spots in

front of my eyes.

Doctor: Have you seen an Optician before?

Patient: No. Just spots.


Please doctor, is my husband dead?

No he isnt. He is electroencephalographically

challenged.


Things that show disaster during surgical operations

( Things you dont want to hear the surgeons say )

-Oops!

-O.K. Now take a picture from this angle

-Better save that. We´ll need it for the autopsy.

-Wait a minute. Hand me that... eh .. eh... thing

-Everybody stand back. I´ve lost my contact lens.


A young lady went to see her doctor.

Where are hurting you?

You have to help me. I hurt all over.

TRy to be a little bit more specific. said the

doctor

The woman touched her right knee and yelled"Ow, that

hurts" She touches ler left ear and"Ouch! it hurts"

he doctor checked her thoughtfully and told her the

diagnosis. You have a broken finger.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of

curtains

Pull yourself together,man!


Dr.Ukiri, I keep thinking I am a bell.

Go home and if it persists, ring me.


Doctor, Doctor, people tell me I am a wheelbarrow.

Dont let people push you arround.


Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me.

Next!


Doctor, Doctor, people keep telling me I am ugly.

Lay on the couch, face down.


Doctor, Doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live.

Wait a minute.


Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a cat.

How long has this been going on?

Since I was a kitten.


A man went to see a Doctor because he had a serious

col but the medicines he got didnt work.

On the next vist , he got some additional drugs but

they still didnt work.

On the third visit, the Doctor told him " Go home ,

take a cold bath and stand out in the cold"

"But doc." protested the man "if I do that I will

get pneumonia"

"i know" said the doctor "I can cure pneumonia"


A guy went to see the doctor with both ears bandaged

up."What happened to your ears?"

He said "Yesterday, I was ironing when the phone

rang and accidentally answered the iron."

"Well, that explains one ear. What happened to the

other ear?"

He says "Well jeez,I had to call the doctor"

RANDOM JOKES

Jesus was in the kitchen with his mother when he

suddenly haerd someone scraem his name.

He ran outside to Joseph and asked"Did you call me?"

"No, I´m sorry," Joseph replied "I just hit my thumb

with the hammer again"


A lady was spending the night with a very rich

African king who wanted sex but she wasnt ready.

She thought of 3 difficlt wishe from the king.

First, I want my engagement ring to be75-carrat

diamond ring.

The king pauses for a while and nods his head "No

problem, You have, You have"

Nothing that went so easy she went ahead "I want a

hundred room mansion in New York"

The king pauses for a while, brought out his

cellular phone, call some contractors and nods his

head and says "Okay, okay,I build. I build"Noting

she had only one wish left , she thought of one that

was sure to work " I want you to have 30cm penis"

The king seems a bit disturbed,he cups his face in

his hand. Finally after he shakes his haed and says

"Okay, okay, I cut. I cut."


The nurse came out of the labor room to announce

that it was a twin birth." coincidntally, I work

forDoublemint chewing gum" added the father. After

an hour the same nurse announced a triplets for Mr.

Smith. "I work for Tristar music in Benin"

The third man got up and started to leave. When I

asked him why he was leaving, he said "I think I

need fresh air , I work for 7-UP"


Mr KIngdom returns from work and yelled at his wife

"Get me a beer before it starts".

The wife gives him a beer and sighs

Five minutes later he says "get me another beer

before it starts"

She looks cross gets him another beer and slams it

on the table.

He finishes that and says "get me another beer

because I think It`s about to start"

The wife is furious."Is that all you are going to do

tonight?. Drink beer and sit in front of that

TV?.You are nothing but a lazy , drunken , fat slob.

and futhermore...."

Kingdom sighs and says "It´s started...."


A burglar was in an empty house when he suddenly

heard" Jesus is watching you"He was shocked. He

looked around and saw it was a parrot.He asked the

parrot "what did you say?" and the parrot replied

"Jesus is watching you"

He then asked the parrot "what´s your name?"

"Clarrence"

"That´s a dumb name for a parrot " added the

burglar"what idiot gave you that name?"

"The same idiot that named the Rottweiller Jesus"


A primary school teacher asks the kids what their

fathers did for a living.

Doris said the mother was a doctor.

Clem says the father was a carpenter.

Billy proudly stood up and announced " My father

plays piano in a whore house"

The teacher was annoyed and goes to Billy´s father

for an explanation.

"I´m actually a system programmer specializing

inTCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How

can I explain a thing like that to a

seven-year-old?"

Tired of listless sex life, the man came right out

and asked his wife during a recent love-making

session, "How come you never tell me when you have

an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, " you are

never at home!"


This guy was fishing with a guy just back from

honeymoon

"How was your honeymoon?" he asked.

"Oh! I did a lot of fishing. You know how I love

fish:"

" Well, didnt you fuck?" he asked.

"Oh no she had gonorrhoea. And you know how I love

fish".

"Why didnt you at least get a blow job?"

" No no, she had pyorrhoea. And well, you know how I

love fish"

"What the hell did you marry her for?".

"Well, she had worms. And you know how I love fish"


This old man and his wife were gisting and he

suddenly reaches out and grabs the breast."You see,

if these gave milk, we could get rid of the cows"

The wife was silent.

A few minutes later he grabs the pussy " You see,

if this could lay eggs , we could get rid of the

chicken."

The wife reaches out, grabs his dick and says " You

see, if this works, we could get rid of your driver"


Tito entered a bar with a pet alligator. He opens

the alligator´s mouth , brings out his dick , sticks

it in the alligator´s mouth and closes it. After 40

seconds , he hits the alligator with a full bottle

of beer and the mouth went open. He brings out his

dick unscratched.He then goes, I´ll pay anyone

100Dollars who is ready to give it a try.A woman

then spoke in the crowd.

"I´ll try. But you have to promise not to hit me on

the head with that bottle"


Halima was joddgin on Benin-Ekpoma express road

repeating "21,21,21,21" Ebi asked her. "what are you

doing?" She replied "Just having fun the best way"

Ebi decided to joinher repaeting "21,21,21,21".

A car approached, Halima jumps out of the way and

Ebi gets killed.Hallima returns jogging on the road

repeating "22,22,22,22,"


Kingdom and Daniel were standing on either side of a

river and Kingdom asked

"How do I get to the other side?".

Daniel replied "You are on the other side".

This 65yr old man and his 60yrold wife met a genie

and were to make a wiwsh each. The wife called the

genie aside and wished a child and it was done.

The man called the genie aside and wished that he ha

s a wife 30yrs younger and it was done. He became 90

yrs.


This benin boy enter germany go dey piss near one

fine building . Police come catch am and carry am go

one fine building withflowers make e piss there.When

e finish , e come ask whether na so german police

dey nice?. Naim the police tell am say dat na

Nigerian Embassy. If e wan shit sef, no problwm.


The first man was allowed to drive volkswagen in

heaven because he cheated on his wife 22 times.

The second man got a volvo. He cheated 7 times. The

third man got a benz600 because he never cheated.

The next day, the other two men say the man with

benz crying behing one building and when asked why?

he said "my wife got a roller-skate"


Women worry more about their looks than their

intelligence because most men are foolish but few

are blind.

It´s bad if your wife wants to leave you but worse

if she is a lawyer.

Impotence--Nature´s way of saying "no hard feelings"


Patient: Doctor Ukiri, my wife is 5 months pregnant

and she gets so moody that sometimes she is

borderline irrational.

Doctor Ukiri: So, what´s your question?


Ebi is so foolish,..

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

She was tripping over a cordless phone


Patient: Doctor Ukiri, Should I have kids after 35?

Doctor: No. 35 kids are enough.


Wars dont tell who is right. It tells who is left.


A mouse in an elephant built by Japanese.

Q & A

Q. Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?

A. Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?

A. You come in one and go in the other

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"

A: Two gays with hemorrhoids

Q: How do you know your mechanic has just had sex?

A: One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why did god make pubic hairs curly?

A. If they were straight they would poke your eyes out!

Q: What do you call a dwarf eskimo with a hard-on?

A: Frigid Midget With A Rigid Digit! #

Q: Did you hear about the 13 year old boy that got hold of his fathers' Viagra?

A: They rushed him to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

SICK JOKES

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,

"Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"

"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"

The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"

"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

1

A Nigerian and a South African lived next door to

each other. The Nigerian owned a hen and each

morning would look in his garden and pick up one

of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he

looked into his garden and saw that the hen had

laid an egg in the South African's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the

South African pick up the egg. The Nigerian ran up

to the South African and told him that the egg

belonged to him because he owned the hen. The

South African disagreed because the egg was laid

on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the

Nigerian said, 'In my family we normaly solve

disputes by the following actions: I kick you in

the groin and time how long it takes you to get

back up, then you kick me in the groin and time

how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets

up quicker wins the egg.'

The South African agreed to this and so the Nigerian

found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,

he took a few steps back, then ran toward the

South African and kicked as hard as he could in the

balls.

The South African fell to the floor clutching his

nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually

the South African stood up and said, 'Now it's my

turn to kick you.'

The Nigerian said, 'Keep the damn egg.'



2

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found

traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion

that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago. So not

to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200

metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found

traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors

already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than

the Russians."

One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After

digging as deep as 500 metres,Nigerian scientists have found absolutely

nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were

already using wireless.

We are good!

ALL ROUND JOKES


THE SENILITY PRAYER


Dear God/Goddess:

Please grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.


> >
> > A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

> > Thedoctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
> >
> > "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But,
> > what happened to your
> > other ear?"
> >
> > "The jerk called back!"


> >
> > An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final
requests.
> > She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
> >
> > First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
> > Bloomingdale's.
> >
> > "Bloomingdale's!"

the rabbi
> > exclaimed "Why Bloomingdale's?"
> > "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
> >
Subject: The Morning After

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks,"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - priceless


In 1923, Who Was 1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?


4. Greatest wheat speculator?


5 President of the Bank of International Settlement?


6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, -if we know what ultimately became of them.


The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2 The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.


6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.


However, in that same year, 1923,
the PGA Champion and winner of a

major golf tournament , the US Open, was
Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.


The Moral:


Forget work. Play golf.

How to Identify where a Driver is From

* Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
* New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window:
* BostonOne hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
* California One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: .
**L.A With gun in lap: .
* Ohio Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror, but driving in California.
* Italy Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
* SeattleOne hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
* Texas city male One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
* Texas country male One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
*Texas female One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
* West Virginia Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
* Florida Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if  he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"  The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"  The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
 

 

Genie Joke

There once was a man who went on an expedition and he found a beautiful vase. It said "Rub Me" so he did. Out popped a genie.

The genie said to the man, "I will grant you one wish." The guy said, "I thought I got 3 wishes?"
But the genie said, "No. One, take it or leave it!"
The guy said, "I'LL TAKE IT, I'LL TAKE IT!!"

So the guy thinks hard and says, "I am afraid of flying so I want you to build me a Freeway from my house to Hawaii."

The genie says, "Are you nuts!!!"
So the guy thinks hard again and says, "Ok -- Ok."
He finally come up with a wish for the genie.

The guy says, "I want to learn all about women. How they think? How come they keep dumping me? And how I can make them love me so I can keep them?"

So the genie thinks and thinks and thinks and finally
the genie says to the man.....
"Did you want that freeway with 2 lanes or 4???"


A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Subject: Senior Moment
>> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
>>
>> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I >> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
>> Please be careful!"
>>
>> "Hell," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Subject: THE TOP 50 OXYMORONS:
> >>
> >>
> >> > THE TOP 50 OXYMORONS:
> >> > 50. Act naturally
> >> > 49. Found missing
> >> > 48. Resident alien
> >> > 47. Advanced BASIC
> >> > 46. Genuine imitation
> >> > 45. Airline Food
> >> > 44. Good grief
> >> > 43. Same difference
> >> > 42. Almost exactly
> >> > 41. Government organization
> >> > 40. Sanitary landfill
> >> > 39. Alone together
> >> > 38. Legally drunk
> >> > 37. Silent scream
> >> > 36. British fashion
> >> > 35. Living dead
> >> > 34. Small crowd
> >> > 33. Business ethics
> >> > 32. Soft rock
> >> > 31. Butt Head
> >> > 30. Military Intelligence
> >> > 29. Software documentation
> >> > 28. New York culture
> >> > 27. New classic
> >> > 26. Sweet sorrow
> >> > 25. Childproof
> >> > 24. "Now, then ..."
> >> > 23. Synthetic natural gas
> >> > 22. Christian Scientists
> >> > 21. Passive aggression
> >> > 20. Taped live
> >> > 19. Clearly misunderstood
> >> > 18. Peace force
> >> > 17. Extinct Life
> >> > 16. Temporary tax increase
> >> > 15. Computer jock
> >> > 14. Plastic glasses
> >> > 13. Terribly pleased
> >> > 12. Computer security
> >> > 11. Political science
> >> > 10. Tight slacks
> >> > 9. Definite maybe
> >> > 8. Pretty ugly
> >> > 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
> >> > 6. Diet ice cream
> >> > 5. Rap music
> >> > 4. Working vacation
> >> > 3. Exact estimate
> >> > 2. Religious tolerance
> >> >
> >> > And the Number one top Oxymoron
> >> > 1. Microsoft Works

The differences between a man and a woman

Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's social conducts genetically (that's the best excuse I've heard for years), several facts remain puzzling. Distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet ... for instance, can you explain why:

> Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.
> > Men drive to a party, women drive back.
> > Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals -- once they are pointed out to them, by women.
> > Men have flu, women have colds.
> > Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.
> > Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat. Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.
> > Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not. Women's posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men's do not.
> A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy's boy. A woman who does the same is a good daughter.
> > A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult woman will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a nightgown.
> > A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house.
> A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.
> > Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly.

All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster & more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about & hunting fleet-footed ruminants, & not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.""What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." >> LoL


Men know.....

That Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

That PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

That if she looks like your mother, run.

That there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

That cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

How to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

That from time to time, is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

That a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

That the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

That there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi...

That men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

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A Bachelor's Diet

MONDAY:
---------------
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth

LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.

AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox

DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

TUESDAY:
----------------
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw

LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

WEDNESDAY:
---------------------
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's

LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke

DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

THURSDAY:
------------------
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza

LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

FRIDAY:
--------------
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.

LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

SATURDAY:
------------------
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.

LUNCH - Ditto

DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

SUNDAY:
--------------
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.

DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

From: nancy peters
Subject: WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."


The doctor asks his 85 year old patient how he's been..

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his
umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you
know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.


A Brunette is walking down the middle of the railroad tracks repeating "21, 21, 21." A blonde asks her, "What are you doing?" Brunette replies, "Just having some fun." The blonde decides to join her repeating, 21, 21, 21. A train approaches and the brunette jumps out of the way and the blonde gets hit and killed by the train. The brunette returns to the track and continues walking along repeating "22, 22,22."

From: mermaidcoastal@yahoo.com
Subject: FW: over 40 women

>An over 40 woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,  "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

> >If an over 40 woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

>An over 40 woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,  what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

> >An over 40 woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and commitment." The last thing she wants in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover.

> >Over 40 women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if  you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

> >Over 40 women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

> >An over 40 woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. > >A woman over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

> >Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an over 40 woman. They always know.

> >An over 40 woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick.  This is not true of younger women.

> >Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you  are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

> >Yes, we praise over 40 women for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,  well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

> >Ladies, I apologize. >Andy Rooney

Vet Tax

My friend tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinary school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back!"


An old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes by, on
the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row.

Woman walks past, The Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods. She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!´ as a greeting. " Indian says, "Already know how, just want chance!" > >


> > I've sure gotten old. I've had 2
> > By-pass surgeries.
> > A hip replacement, new knees.
> > Fought prostate
> > cancer, and diabetes.
> >
> > I'm half blind, can't hear anything
> > quieter than a
> > jet engine, take 40 different
> > medications that make
> > me dizzy, winded, and subject to
> > blackouts.
> >
> > Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
> > circulation,
> > hardly feel my hands and feet
> > anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost > > all my friends.
> >
> > But..... Thank God, I still have my
> > Florida driver's
> > license!

Fabulous Fishing Reports
from the
Florida Keys!!

In view of the merger mania which has hit business, the airlines, high tech computer companies and the like, I give you a list of potential merger possibilities. They are:
Lockheed-Martin and LORAL to become Lo-Moral.>

> > > Fairchild and Honeywell to become Fairwell Honeychild.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers to become
> > Poly-Warner-Cracker.
> > >
> > > 3M and Goodyear to become MMMGood.
> > >
> > > John Deere and Abitibi-Price to become Deere Abi.
> > >
> > > Zippo Manufacturing,Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining to become
> > Zip Audi DoDa.
> > >
> > > Honeywell,Imasco,and Home Oil to become Honey I'm Home.
> > >
> > > Denison Mines, an Alliance and Metal Mining to become Mine,All Mine.
> > >
> > > Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women to become > > Knott NOW


 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed  a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: " I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde
"

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do his to another! 

 

WRONG NUMBER

> > Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
> >
> > The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
> >
> > >From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
> > Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
> >
> > At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
> >
> > A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential
> > Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretarysaid that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit.
> > "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
> >
> > The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
> >
> > She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
> >
> > Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
> > Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
> >
> > Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
> >
> > People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
> >
> > Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
> >
> > Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

Men are.........

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right to your hips.

Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night.


FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and  No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Islamorada Information
"The SportsFishing Capital of the World"!!

Cheap Date

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have >> >sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When >the
>> >couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way >> >you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
>> >
>> >This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an >> >appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then >> >leave.
>> >
>> >Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find >> >out?"
>> >
>> >The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's >married >> >and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my >house.
>> >The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here >> >for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

 

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty
thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Some Great One Liners!!!!

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Florida Keys
Real Estate for Sale

The 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.

Reporter: Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long.

Old Man: I don't ever drink. I never smoked, and I stayed away from wild women.

Just then there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an

agile looking older man with a foul smelling cigar in one hand and spilling what smelled like whisky from the glass in his other hand. He pauses for a moment, looks at the crowd and lets out a hardy "Hee, hee, HEE!" and continues the pursuit.

Reporter: What was that all about?!?

Old Man: Please excuse that, my father gets out of control sometimes.

 

 

PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else


Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart!
> >
>> > >
> >1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
> >
> >2 Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
> >
> >3. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I > >think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
> >
> >4. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off > >and turn the volumes to "10."
> >
> >5. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
> >
> >6. Put M&M's on layaway.
> >
> >7. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
> >
> >8. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll > >only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
> >
> >9. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why > >won't you people just leave me alone?"
> >
> >10. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror > >while you pick your nose.
> >
> >11 Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale > >battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
> >
> >12. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
> >
> >13. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the > >clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
> >
> >14. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the > >restrooms.
> >
> >15. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission > >Impossible."
> >
> >16. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
> >
> >17. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with > >various funnels.