Cora Richard Skeezee-reezT r y m o v i n g y o u r c u r s e r a r o u n d o n t h i s t e x t
Your Mama is sooooooooooooooo
Bar and Drinking Jokes
Men and Women
Cars and meaning
Q & A
ALL ROUNDER JOKES
What is foreplay to Amenze?
Thirty minutes of begging.
What´s the difference between Amenze and an ironing
It is initially difficult to open the legs of the
What´s the difference betwwen Amenze an a phone
-You need money to use a phone booth
-Only one person can use a phone both at a time
Why does Amenze take thedaily pills
So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did she stop using the pill?
Because it keeps falling out.
Q: What are the worst six years in Amenzes life?
A: ´Primary 3
What´s Amenze`s favorite nursery rhyme?
Amenze ordered ram suya and tha mallam asked
"make I cut am into 6 pieces or twelve pieces?".
She replied " make am 6 pieces. I nogo fit finsh
What is Amenze´s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
What´s the difference btw Amenze and the Titanic?
We know how many men went down on the Titanic.
Why did she tip-toe passing the chemist?
So she wont wake up the sleeping pills.
How did the guy get Amenze to marry him?
He told her he was pregnant.
And what did she ask him
Is it mine?
Why is her coffin Y_shaped?
Because as soon as she is on her back the legs are
Why did Amenze move to GRA
Because it is easier to spell.
What´s the difference between Amenze and a guy?
Amenze has higher sperm count.
How do you keep Amenze buzy?
Write please turn over on both sides of a paper.
Q: Did you hear that Amenze stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for Amenze?
A: They take off her makeup.
YOUR MAMA`S SO fat...
the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity...
..she had to go to red sea to get baptized
..she walked past the TV and i missed 3 commercials
..she wears a yellow raincoat and people start yelling TAXI!
..she has to fly cargo class
..she has to wear a socks on each toe
..she ´s got shock absorbers on her toilet seat
..she fills the bathtub b4 putting water
..when she goes to shoe-shinner,she has to take his words that it´s done
..she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
..she has her own area code
..people jog arround her for exercise
..when she wears malcolm X t-shirt , hellicopter wants to land on her
..she shows up on radar
..she went to Prest Motels , looks at the menu and say "O.K."
..her year book foto took pages 42,43 and 44
..the horse on her polo is real
..she could start selling shades in summer
YOUR MAMA`S SO STUPID:::
..it took her 2hrs to see the film "60 mins"
..she spent 25mins starring at an orange juice pack because it read concentrate
..she asked me what kind of jeans I was wearing .I said Guess and she said oh Levis?
..when I asked her to buy me a color TV , she asked what color?
..she married your daddy
...she invented a silent car alarm.
...when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'
..she cooks with old spice
..she has only 2 fingers and she is asking people to " gimme five"
..she looks for sunday paper on thursday
..she puts your puppy in microwave to make hot dog
..she wanted to buy a solar powered flashlight
..when you were born she saw the umbilical cord and says "Dr. Ukiri, it comes with cable"
..she went to 24-hr shop and asked when they closed
..I taught her how to do the running man and I havent seen her since
..she has one short leg and walks in circles
..she gavebirth to you
..she thought 2PAC Shakur was a jewish Holliday
..she thinks socialism means partying
..when she haerd 90% of accidents occur at home, she moved
..She died ´cos she couldnt find eleven on the phone to dial 9-1-1-
..she got hit by a packed car
YOUR MAMA`S SO UGLY
..your daddy takes her to work everyday so he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye
..she tried joining an ugly contest and they said " sorry, we dont take professioners
..she made a blind kid cry
..when she was born they put her in an incubator with tinted glasses
..her parents first named her accident
..if ugliness were bricks she would have her own projects
..she walks on the streets and was arrested for attempted murder
..when she was born, Dr. Ukiri saw her placenta and thought she was a twin. She looks exactly like the placenta.
..she threw a frisby and it never came back
..govt movedHalloween to her birthday
...we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
I saved your mother´s life today. I killed a shit eating dog
Your mama is so hairy Big foot took a foto of her
YO MAMA IS SO POOR
...that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
...burglars break into her home and leave money.
...when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied
...when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
...when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
Q:How do you kill 100 blondes in a submarine
A:Knock on the door
#How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree??
Wave at her...
#Two blondes were on there way to disney land when one of the blondes read the sign "disney land left".
So they went home...
#Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
#Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
#Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
#Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up its starting to rain and the top is down!
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied."I only have to outrun you."
#A lawyer´s dog stole a piece of meat fro a butcher´s
shop. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and ask
"If a dog steals a piece of meat from me, do I have
the right to demand payment from the owner?"
The lawyer answered "Absolutely"
"Then you owe me 230 Naira"
The lawyer paid.Several days later the lawyer got a
bill of 13,000Naira from thwe lawyer for
Lawyer : Dr. Ukiri, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
Dr. Ukiri : All my autopsies have been on dead
It has been proven that lawyers are larval stage of
There are 2 kinds of lawyers . Those who know the
law and those who know the judge.
Why have scientists switched from researching with
guinea pigs to researching with lawyers?
1.Lawyers are far more plentiful
2.Lawyers multiply faster in number than guinea
3.Animal right groups wont object their torture.
4.They are some researches pigs wont descend low to
The only set back is that it is difficult to
extrapolate the test result to real human beings.
What´s the difference btw a lawyer and abucket of
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
What´s the difference btw a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker stops fucking you when you are dead.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why wont vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
Why wont Dr. Ukiri operate on lawyers?
He is not well trained in vet. medicine.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his
neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Lawyer: Did you kill the victim?
No. I didnt.
Lawyer : Do you know the penalty for lying in court?
Yes.It is a lot better than that for murder.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in
At a lady´s funeral was her lawyer, her doctr and
her painter. They all promised to put 100,000 Naira
in her grave dnd the doctor and painter did. The
lawyer collected the 200,000Naira and left a check
"You seem to have more than average share of
intelligence for a man of your backgroung" snared a
lawyer during a court session.
"If I wasnt under oath, I´d return the compliment"
replied the farmer.
This man worth 60 Million Dollars died and left his
will for his good friend Mr. Iyare which read "Give
whatever you wamt to my wife and take the rest".
Mr. Iyare gave the wife 5 Million naira and kept 55
Million for himself.
" This is impossible" replied the wife. "After 57
years of marriage" She sued the case and on the
judgement day, the judge awarded the wife 55Million
and gave Mr. Iyare 5 Million Naira.
"The will is very clear my lord. I want the lion
share and the will gives me right" ptotested Mr.
"No," replied the judge. " the will says, give
whatever YOU want to the wife and take the rest"
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked
how much is 2+2?
The accountant says " I think it´s 3 or 4. Lets run
the figure through the spreadsheet again".
The house wife says "four"
The lawyer dims the lights, draws the window blinds
together and asked in a low voice "How much do you
want it to be?".
Did you hear about the yoruba girl that is always
Her name is sosumi (so sue me)
Did you hear about the 2 indian lawyers that formed
a partnership ?
They called it " Cachem and Sioux"
Why dont Vampire bite lawyers?
They dont practice Cannibalism.
Why dont Hyenas eat Lawyers?
Even Hyenas have some dignity
What´s the difference btw a lawyer and a pig?
You can learn to respect a pig
Did you hear about the terrorist group that hiacked
a 747 full plane?
They treatened to release a lawyer every 30 minutes
if their demands arent met.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both have a 3 in a million chance of becoming a
What´s the difference btw God and a lawyer?
God doesnt think he is a lawyer.
#Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.
They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.
It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.
The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink ?" the doctor says.
"AFTER the police get here" replies the lawyer.
#What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
#Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.
A genie pops out. He says 'I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.'
The first guy says 'I want a million dollars.' The genie says 'Are you sure?' He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.
The second guy says 'I want a new car.' The genie says 'A lawyer is getting two new cars then.' The guy says, 'oh well. I want my car.' *poof* He has a new porche.
The third guy says 'I want to be beaten half to death.
#A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.
#What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of being human.
#One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
#BAR AND DRINKING
A customer walked into a bar and started dialling numbers on his hand as if it were a phone. The bartender looked at him warily, "Look," warned the bartender, "I don't know what you're up to, but this is a tough neighbourhood and I don't want any trouble." The customer said: "I'm not out to cause trouble, I promise. Let me explain. I'm very hi-tech and I had a phone installed in my hand because I got tired of carrying around my mobile." The bartender looked at him as if he were a crank, "I don't believe a word of it." "OK," said the customer, "I'll prove it to you," And he pressed the digits on his hand, held his wrist up to his ear and began conducting a conversation. Then he gave his hand to the bartender and, to the bartender's amazement, he could hear a voice coming through the hand."That's incredible," said the bartender at the end of the call. "I was able to talk to someone through your hand." "It's ingenious," said the customer. "It means I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, anyone, without needing a conventional phone. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directed him down the corridor to the toilets but began to get a bit worried when the customer hadn't returned 20 minutes later. Knowing of the reputation of the neighbourhood, he thought he'd better go and check that he was all right. On opening the door, he found the customer spreadeagled against the wall, with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper rammed up his butt. "Oh God," exclaimed the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," answered the customer. "I'm just waiting for a fax."
A man was sitting quietly at the Atlantic bar when the bartender Ukwa presented him with a riddle. "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The man thought for a minute but then gave up. "It was me, you idiot!" exclaimed the bartender triumphantly. The man thought it was a good trick and decided to play it on his wife when he got home. He announced: "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?"His wife looked at him blankly and gave up.
"It was Ukwa. at the Atlantic bar, you idiot!"
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
“Hey, what's that?”
“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”
“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”
“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
#One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
" Yeah, except today is the last night
#A guy told the bartender to give the pretty lady over there a drink on him. The bartender says dont bother yourself. I know her. She is lesbian. The guy courageously took the drink, went to the lady, gave her the drink and asked
"what part of lesbia are you from"
#One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.
Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"
#There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around
#Q: Does an elephant ever forget?
A: Only if you loan him money.
#Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung
#Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's butt.
Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?"
Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"
#Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
#Iraqi TV Guide
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News
#A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
#President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton.
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.
"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
MEN AND WOMEN
#5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around
the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable
and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed
and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet
#As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
#Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live"
"Ten" replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine"
#A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night".
"We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
#Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
Because men won't stop for directions!
#Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell!
#What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,
C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah,
you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,
on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,
no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,
right now !
#Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
>> > Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
>> > Mr. Bean: 9
>> > Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
>> > Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just
>> > twisted the figure, the
>> > answer is 6!!
>> > ****
>> > WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
>> > Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
>> > Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
>> > Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the
>> > alphabet yet!!
>> > ****
>> > QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
>> > Friend: What are you looking at?
>> > Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
>> > Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
>> > Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
>> > ****
>> > Friend: how many women do you believe a man must
>> > marry?
>> > Mr. Bean: 16
>> > Friend: Why?
>> > Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4
>> > poorer, 4 better and
>> > 4worse.
>> > ****
>> > CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
>> > Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it
>> > Ok?
>> > Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a
>> > horror film. I didn't see
>> > any picture.
>> > Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
>> > Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
>> > ****
>> > Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
>> > Friend: condolence, my friend.
>> > After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
>> > Friend: what now?
>> > Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
>> > ****
>> > MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
>> > Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an
>> > elevator for 4 hrs. because
>> > of a
>> > power failure.
>> > Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the
>> > escalator for 3 hrs.
>> > ****
>> > Spelling lesson
>> > Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of
>> > successful....is it one c or
>> > two c?
>> > Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
CARS AND MEANING
AUDI--Accelerate under demonic influence
BMW--Bought my wife
.--BRutal money waster
BUICK--Big ugly indistructible car killer
CAMARO--Cant america make a real one?
CHEVROLET--Can hear every valve rap on long extended
DODGE--Drips oil, drops grease every where
FIAT--Failure in automotive technology
--Fix it all time
--Fix it again Tony
FORD--(BACKWARDS) Driver return on foot
--First on rust and deterioration
--fix or repair daily
--found on road dead
HONDA--Had one never had another
--Hand over dollars to asians
HYUNDAI--Hope you understand nothing´s drivable and
NISSAN--Now in some serious automobile nightmare
OLDSMOBILE--Old ladies driving slowly make others
behind infrustraingly late everyday
SAAB--Swedish automobiles always breakdown.
AIDS--After intercourse, die standing
--Another idiot dying slowly
ADIDAS--All day I dream about sex
BATA-- Buy and throw away
BEER-- Beginning enjoy, Ending regret
DHL--Delivery halfway lost.
DUNHILL--Do undress nicely. Hope it lasts long.
FBI--Female body inspector.
MBA--Married but available.
"Doctor, please hurry, . My son swallowed a
"Dont panic, . I´m coming soon. Have you done
"Yes, I shave with the electric razor."
Dr Ukiri: I have some bad news and some very bad
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news
Dr Ukiri: The lab called yesterday with the
results.They said you have 24hrs to live.
Patient: 24hrs! That terrible. What could be worse?.
What´s the very bad news?
Dr Ukiri: I´ve been trying to reach you since
"Doctor, are you sure I have Pneumonia?. I`ve heard
about a doctor treating someone for Pneumonia and he
finally died of typhoid"
Dr Ukiri: Dont worry, it wont happen to me. If I
treat someone with Pneumonia, he will die of
"The doc. said he would have me on my feet in two
"And did he?"
"Yes. I had to sell my car to pay the bill."
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Dr Ukiri: Didnt the new glasses help you?
Patient: Sure. I now see the spots better.
Doctor ,I found my dog unconscious. Please do
The doc. examines the dog to be dead.
No no. He cant be dead. Do something.
The vet goes to another room and comes back with a
cat.The cat sniff up and down and leaves.That
confirms the cat dead.
Ok doc. I guess you are right. How much do I pay
180 Dollars for consultation and 1200Dolars for CAT
Patient: Doctor Skeezee, I keep seeing spots in
front of my eyes.
Doctor: Have you seen an Optician before?
Patient: No. Just spots.
Please doctor, is my husband dead?
No he isnt. He is electroencephalographically
Things that show disaster during surgical operations
( Things you dont want to hear the surgeons say )
-O.K. Now take a picture from this angle
-Better save that. We´ll need it for the autopsy.
-Wait a minute. Hand me that... eh .. eh... thing
-Everybody stand back. I´ve lost my contact lens.
A young lady went to see her doctor.
Where are hurting you?
You have to help me. I hurt all over.
TRy to be a little bit more specific. said the
The woman touched her right knee and yelled"Ow, that
hurts" She touches ler left ear and"Ouch! it hurts"
he doctor checked her thoughtfully and told her the
diagnosis. You have a broken finger.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of
Pull yourself together,man!
Dr.Ukiri, I keep thinking I am a bell.
Go home and if it persists, ring me.
Doctor, Doctor, people tell me I am a wheelbarrow.
Dont let people push you arround.
Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Doctor, Doctor, people keep telling me I am ugly.
Lay on the couch, face down.
Doctor, Doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kitten.
A man went to see a Doctor because he had a serious
col but the medicines he got didnt work.
On the next vist , he got some additional drugs but
they still didnt work.
On the third visit, the Doctor told him " Go home ,
take a cold bath and stand out in the cold"
"But doc." protested the man "if I do that I will
"i know" said the doctor "I can cure pneumonia"
A guy went to see the doctor with both ears bandaged
up."What happened to your ears?"
He said "Yesterday, I was ironing when the phone
rang and accidentally answered the iron."
"Well, that explains one ear. What happened to the
He says "Well jeez,I had to call the doctor"
Jesus was in the kitchen with his mother when he
suddenly haerd someone scraem his name.
He ran outside to Joseph and asked"Did you call me?"
"No, I´m sorry," Joseph replied "I just hit my thumb
with the hammer again"
A lady was spending the night with a very rich
African king who wanted sex but she wasnt ready.
She thought of 3 difficlt wishe from the king.
First, I want my engagement ring to be75-carrat
The king pauses for a while and nods his head "No
problem, You have, You have"
Nothing that went so easy she went ahead "I want a
hundred room mansion in New York"
The king pauses for a while, brought out his
cellular phone, call some contractors and nods his
head and says "Okay, okay,I build. I build"Noting
she had only one wish left , she thought of one that
was sure to work " I want you to have 30cm penis"
The king seems a bit disturbed,he cups his face in
his hand. Finally after he shakes his haed and says
"Okay, okay, I cut. I cut."
The nurse came out of the labor room to announce
that it was a twin birth." coincidntally, I work
forDoublemint chewing gum" added the father. After
an hour the same nurse announced a triplets for Mr.
Smith. "I work for Tristar music in Benin"
The third man got up and started to leave. When I
asked him why he was leaving, he said "I think I
need fresh air , I work for 7-UP"
Mr KIngdom returns from work and yelled at his wife
"Get me a beer before it starts".
The wife gives him a beer and sighs
Five minutes later he says "get me another beer
before it starts"
She looks cross gets him another beer and slams it
on the table.
He finishes that and says "get me another beer
because I think It`s about to start"
The wife is furious."Is that all you are going to do
tonight?. Drink beer and sit in front of that
TV?.You are nothing but a lazy , drunken , fat slob.
Kingdom sighs and says "It´s started...."
A burglar was in an empty house when he suddenly
heard" Jesus is watching you"He was shocked. He
looked around and saw it was a parrot.He asked the
parrot "what did you say?" and the parrot replied
"Jesus is watching you"
He then asked the parrot "what´s your name?"
"That´s a dumb name for a parrot " added the
burglar"what idiot gave you that name?"
"The same idiot that named the Rottweiller Jesus"
A primary school teacher asks the kids what their
fathers did for a living.
Doris said the mother was a doctor.
Clem says the father was a carpenter.
Billy proudly stood up and announced " My father
plays piano in a whore house"
The teacher was annoyed and goes to Billy´s father
for an explanation.
"I´m actually a system programmer specializing
inTCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How
can I explain a thing like that to a
Tired of listless sex life, the man came right out
and asked his wife during a recent love-making
session, "How come you never tell me when you have
She glanced at him casually and replied, " you are
never at home!"
This guy was fishing with a guy just back from
"How was your honeymoon?" he asked.
"Oh! I did a lot of fishing. You know how I love
" Well, didnt you fuck?" he asked.
"Oh no she had gonorrhoea. And you know how I love
"Why didnt you at least get a blow job?"
" No no, she had pyorrhoea. And well, you know how I
"What the hell did you marry her for?".
"Well, she had worms. And you know how I love fish"
This old man and his wife were gisting and he
suddenly reaches out and grabs the breast."You see,
if these gave milk, we could get rid of the cows"
The wife was silent.
A few minutes later he grabs the pussy " You see,
if this could lay eggs , we could get rid of the
The wife reaches out, grabs his dick and says " You
see, if this works, we could get rid of your driver"
Tito entered a bar with a pet alligator. He opens
the alligator´s mouth , brings out his dick , sticks
it in the alligator´s mouth and closes it. After 40
seconds , he hits the alligator with a full bottle
of beer and the mouth went open. He brings out his
dick unscratched.He then goes, I´ll pay anyone
100Dollars who is ready to give it a try.A woman
then spoke in the crowd.
"I´ll try. But you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with that bottle"
Halima was joddgin on Benin-Ekpoma express road
repeating "21,21,21,21" Ebi asked her. "what are you
doing?" She replied "Just having fun the best way"
Ebi decided to joinher repaeting "21,21,21,21".
A car approached, Halima jumps out of the way and
Ebi gets killed.Hallima returns jogging on the road
Kingdom and Daniel were standing on either side of a
river and Kingdom asked
"How do I get to the other side?".
Daniel replied "You are on the other side".
This 65yr old man and his 60yrold wife met a genie
and were to make a wiwsh each. The wife called the
genie aside and wished a child and it was done.
The man called the genie aside and wished that he ha
s a wife 30yrs younger and it was done. He became 90
This benin boy enter germany go dey piss near one
fine building . Police come catch am and carry am go
one fine building withflowers make e piss there.When
e finish , e come ask whether na so german police
dey nice?. Naim the police tell am say dat na
Nigerian Embassy. If e wan shit sef, no problwm.
The first man was allowed to drive volkswagen in
heaven because he cheated on his wife 22 times.
The second man got a volvo. He cheated 7 times. The
third man got a benz600 because he never cheated.
The next day, the other two men say the man with
benz crying behing one building and when asked why?
he said "my wife got a roller-skate"
Women worry more about their looks than their
intelligence because most men are foolish but few
It´s bad if your wife wants to leave you but worse
if she is a lawyer.
Impotence--Nature´s way of saying "no hard feelings"
Patient: Doctor Ukiri, my wife is 5 months pregnant
and she gets so moody that sometimes she is
Doctor Ukiri: So, what´s your question?
Ebi is so foolish,..
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She was tripping over a cordless phone
Patient: Doctor Ukiri, Should I have kids after 35?
Doctor: No. 35 kids are enough.
Wars dont tell who is right. It tells who is left.
A mouse in an elephant built by Japanese.
Q & A
Q. Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A. Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other
Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two gays with hemorrhoids
Q: How do you know your mechanic has just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.
Q. Why did god make pubic hairs curly?
A. If they were straight they would poke your eyes out!
Q: What do you call a dwarf eskimo with a hard-on?
A: Frigid Midget With A Rigid Digit! #
Q: Did you hear about the 13 year old boy that got hold of his fathers' Viagra?
A: They rushed him to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.
Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,
"Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"
A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"
She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
A Nigerian and a South African lived next door to
each other. The Nigerian owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the South African's garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the
South African pick up the egg. The Nigerian ran up
to the South African and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
South African disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the
Nigerian said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'
The South African agreed to this and so the Nigerian
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
South African and kicked as hard as he could in the
The South African fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the South African stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'
The Nigerian said, 'Keep the damn egg.'
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago. So not
to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200
metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors
already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 500 metres,Nigerian scientists have found absolutely
nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
already using wireless.
We are good!
ALL ROUND JOKES
Please grant me the Senility
> > A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
> > Thedoctor asked her what had happened
to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone,
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
> > An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final
> > She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
> > First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
> > Bloomingdale's.
> > "Bloomingdale's!"
> > exclaimed "Why Bloomingdale's?"
> > "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Subject: The Morning After
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices
a note on the table "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
asks,"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
His son replies, "Oh that!
1923, Who Was 1. President of the largest steel company?
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2 The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923,
the PGA Champion and winner of a
major golf tournament , the US Open, was
Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
Forget work. Play golf.
How to Identify where a Driver is From
* Chicago One
hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
There once was a man who went on an expedition and he found a beautiful vase. It said "Rub Me" so he did. Out popped a genie.
The genie said to the man, "I will grant you
one wish." The guy said, "I thought I got 3 wishes?"
So the guy thinks hard and says, "I am afraid of flying so I want you to build me a Freeway from my house to Hawaii."
The genie says, "Are you nuts!!!"
The guy says, "I
want to learn all about women. How they think? How come they keep
dumping me? And how I can make them love me so I can keep them?"
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
>> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
>> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I >> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
>> Please be careful!"
>> "Hell," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Subject: THE TOP 50 OXYMORONS:
The differences between a man and a woman
Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's social conducts genetically (that's the best excuse I've heard for years), several facts remain puzzling. Distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet ... for instance, can you explain why:
> Men are biologically
incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have
All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster
& more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking
a ball about & hunting fleet-footed ruminants, & not altogether
bad in the sack."
That Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
That PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
That if she looks like your mother, run.
That there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
Never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
That cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
How to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
That from time to time, is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
That a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
That the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.
That there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi...
That men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
Free Singles Ads Free
A Bachelor's Diet
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
From: nancy peters
"It's a guy
"Can I help
"Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
take too long to explain."
to be late."
"I was listening
to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"It's a really
how bad my memory is."
"I was just
thinking about you, and got you these roses."
fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
The doctor asks his 85 year old patient how he's been..
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
A Brunette is walking down the middle of the railroad tracks repeating "21, 21, 21." A blonde asks her, "What are you doing?" Brunette replies, "Just having some fun." The blonde decides to join her repeating, 21, 21, 21. A train approaches and the brunette jumps out of the way and the blonde gets hit and killed by the train. The brunette returns to the track and continues walking along repeating "22, 22,22."
>An over 40 woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
> >If an over 40 woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
>An over 40 woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
> >An over 40 woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and commitment." The last thing she wants in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover.
> >Over 40 women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
> >Over 40 women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
> >An over 40 woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. > >A woman over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
> >Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an over 40 woman. They always know.
> >An over 40 woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
> >Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
> >Yes, we praise over 40 women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
> >Ladies, I apologize. >Andy Rooney
My friend tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinary school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back!"
An old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes by,
The same happens several days in a row.
Woman walks past, The Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're
an Indian, aren't you?" He nods. She says, "I always thought
Indians said 'How!´ as a greeting. " Indian says, "Already
know how, just want chance!" > >
> > I've sure gotten old. I've had 2
> > Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious
telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
Men are like ... newborn babies
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
Men are like ... soap operas
Men are like ... old car tires
Men are like ... coolers.
Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Men are like ... coffee
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked,
"What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
>> >sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
>> >couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way >> >you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
>> >This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an >> >appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then >> >leave.
>> >Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find >> >out?"
>> >The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's >married >> >and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my >house.
>> >The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here >> >for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn
insured for fifty
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Some Great One Liners!!!!
Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
Real Estate for Sale
The 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
Reporter: Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long.
Old Man: I don't ever drink. I never smoked, and I stayed away from wild women.
Just then there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an
agile looking older man with a foul smelling cigar in one hand and spilling what smelled like whisky from the glass in his other hand. He pauses for a moment, looks at the crowd and lets out a hardy "Hee, hee, HEE!" and continues the pursuit.
Reporter: What was that all about?!?
Old Man: Please excuse that, my father gets out of control sometimes.
PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
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