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Enanore Okumagba USA ( I know my rights) 25.05.2003

Elohor Ziregbe Nigeria (A matter of cash) 21.05.2003

Claudia Gorilla Germany ( In German) 29.03.2003

Enanore Okumagba U.S.A. (Bush cleverest president) 27.03.2003

Fidelis Oseghale (Bush & Blair )27.03.2003

Prettyface Luton. England. ( Igbinedion . Again)24.03.2003

Miss Odaro ( World Survey) 20.03.2003

Ame Odaro ( Nigerioan Citizen test)16.03.2003

Norbert Ivare ( Psalm 23 in Pidgin) 15.03.2003

Humphrey Ugbawa ( Sister Mathematics)15.03.2003 Dublin

Ena Okumagba 12.03.2003

John Ukiri 12.03.2003 Holland

Victor Obasuyi 12.03.2003

Ame Odaro 11.03.2003

Okey Uche 11.03.2003

Ikhifa Emma 10.03.2003

Jolomi Esimaje 09.03.2003 Subject: Psalm 23 in Warri Pidgin

Humphrey Ugbawa 08.03.2003

Oshehor Ukiri 06.03.2003

Anna Ukiri 05.03.2003

Ame Odaro 02.03.2003

>>I KNOW MY RIGHTS

>>A certain young man who had spent the last 10 years in the USA was

>>arrested

>>by the Nigerian Police because he refused to bribe them for a

>>minor traffic offense. He was amazed to be taken to the police

station.

>>

>>The young man was very upset and angry. He was ranting and raging at

the

>>policemen; "you people don't know who I am, by the time I make one

phone

>>call you'll all wish you weren't born. I'm entitled to one phone call

and

>>you must let me make that call, I know my rights and I won't be

trampled

>>upon".

>>

>>He went on and on raking at the station. After a while the DPO

couldn't

>>take

>>it any longer, and instructed a constable to throw the guy into the

cell.

>>

>>When the guy was pushed into the cell he continued ranting and raging

as

>>to

>>how he was entitled to one phone call as part of his fundamental

rights.

>>After a while the "president" in the cell got up and said "ADC, I don

tire

>>for all dis englis e dey blow. I beg give this man him phone call

ojare".

>>At this time the ADC got up and gave the young man a resounding slap,

>>'gbozaaaah'. He then calmly asked him: "e dey ring abi make I

re-dial?"

>>The young man meekly replied "NO..ooooooo no need to re-dial.....edey

>>ring......Sir....e connect well well......

>>

>>

>>

>>SUPERMAN BACHELOR

>>

>>There was this very rich Ibo man in Nnewi who had only one daughter.

>>

>>When the daughter was of marriage age, the father sent news around

town

>>that

>>all the eligible young men should come out on a particular day to

compete

>>in

>>a test which would determine who was fit to marry his daughter.

>>

>>On that set day, all the able-bodied young men came out. Some came

with

>>paper and biro and others with cutlasses and swords.

>>

>>The rich man took them to his swimming pool and addressed the men:

"any of

>>you who can swim from one end of this swimming pool to the other

would

>>marry

>>my daughter. In addition, I'll give him 15 million naira, a car and a

>>house

>>so they can start of life well. I shall be waiting to meet my

son-in-law

>>at

>>the other side. Good luck!"

>>

>>As the young men, all very excited at the prospect of winning,

started

>>taking off their shirts, a helicopter came over the pool and dropped

>>snakes

>>and crocodiles into the pool.

>>

>>Immediately all the men turned back and started wearing their shirts

>>again.

>>Dissapointed, some of them said "make de man go marry im pikin jo!".

>>

>>All of a sudden, they heard a splash in the pool. Everybody watched

in

>>amazement as one gentleman struggled his way across, avoiding the

snakes

>>and

>>crocodiles. Finally, he made it to the other side as the would-be

in-law,

>>panting.

>>

>>The rich man, could not believe it. He asked the man to name anything

he

>>wanted.

>>

>>The man was still panting uncontrollably. Finally, he got himself

together

>>and made his request saying, "...show me the pesin wey... push me

inside

>>di

>>swimming

>>pool"

>>

>>

>>OFFICE ARITHMETIC

>>

>>Smart boss + smart employee = profit

>>

>>Smart boss + dumb employee = production

>>

>>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

>>

>>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

>>

>>SHOPPING MATH

>>

>>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

>>

>>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

>>

>>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

>>

>>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

>>

>>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

>>

>>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

>>

>>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

>>

>>HAPPINESS

>>

>>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a

>>little.

>>

>>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to

>>understand

>>her at all.

>>

>>LONGEVITY

>>

>>Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot

more

>>willing to die.

>>

>>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

>>

>>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

>>

>>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

>>

>>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

>>

>>A woman has the last word in any argument.

>>

>>Anything a man says after is the beginning of a new argument.

>>

>>HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

>>

>>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs

and

>>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started

doing

>>the

>>same thing to them at funerals.

Elohor Ziregbe Nigeria (A matter of cash) 21.05.2003

*"I want to tithe," a man told his pastor.

> I want to give 10% of my income to my church.

> When my income was $50 a week, I gave $5 to the

> church every sunday. When I was successful in

> business my weekly income rose to $500 a week, I

> gave $50 to my church every sunday. But now, my

> income has gone to $5000 a week, and I just can't

> bring myself to give$500 to the church every week".

> The pastor said, "Why don't we pray over this?" The

> pastor began to pray, "Dear God, please make this

> man's weekly income $500 a week so that he can

> tithe...."

>

> *A notorious gambler offered to donate $100,000 to a

> church project for the homeless. This offer greatly

> upset a church elder. She confronted the pastor. "We

> cant take his money. It's the devil's money!"

> "If that is the case," the pastor replied calmly,

> "the devil has had his hands on it long enough. Now

> let's see what God can do with it."

>

> *A British recluse named Ernest Digweed died in the

> early 1980s and left the equivalent of $57,000 in

> his will for Jesus Christ if he should return to

> earth before the end of the 20th century.

> Digweed's heirs asked the courts to invalidate the

> will and divide the money among them.

> The judges agreed but they took out insurance with

> Lloyds of London for the amont just in case Christ

> does return within Digweed's stipulated time.

>

> *Mark Twain attended a church service where a

> missionary appealed for funds to evangelise the

> heathen in a foreign land:

> "After 10minutes of a description about their

> unhappy plight, I wanted to give $50" Twain wrote.

> "The preacher kept on for another 15minutes and that

> gave me the time to realise $50 was an extravagance,

> so I cut it in half.

> At the end of another 10minutes, I had reduced it to

> $5.

> When at the end of an hour of speaking the plates

> were finally passed, I was so annoyed that I reached

> in and helped myself to a quarter."

>

> *In a sunday school, a teacher asked a small girl

> why she thought the clergyman in the good samaritan

> story passed by on the other side.

> "Because the man lying by the roadside had already

> been robbed." The girl replied.

>

> *A lot of people are willing to give God credit but

> so few ever give Him cash.

>

Claudia Gorla (German joke) 29.03.2003

DARÜBER SOLLTE MAN MAL NACHDENKEN:





Was fühlt ein Schmetterling im Bauch, wenn er verliebt ist?



Was soll das Verfallsdatum auf saurer Sahne?



Was zählen Schafe, wenn sie einschlafen wollen?



Gibt es in einer Teefabrik Kaffeepausen?



Was passiert, nachdem man sich 2 Mal halbtot gelacht hat?



Warum trägt ein Kamikazepilot einen Helm?



Warum gibt es Whiskas-Huhn, -Fisch und -Rind, aber kein Whiskas-Maus?



Ist eine volle Harddisk schwerer als eine leere?



Wenn Schwimmen gut sein soll für die Entwicklung von Armen und Beinen, warum

haben Fische weder Arme noch Beine?



Warum werden Zigaretten an Tankstellen verkauft, wo das Rauchen verboten

ist?



Wenn Autofahren verboten ist, nachdem man etwas getrunken hat, warum haben

Bars und Kneipen Parkplätze?



Wenn nichts an Teflon kleben bleibt, wie wird Teflon an der Pfanne

festgemacht?



Kriegt ein Fisch Krämpfe, wenn er direkt nach dem Essen schwimmen geht?



Wie heißen die Dinger, die du an der Kasse zwischen deine Einkäufe und die

davor und danach legst?



Wenn ein Laden 24 Stunden am Tag an 365 Tagen im Jahr geöffnet hat, warum

hat er dann ein Schloss in der Tür?



Wenn schwimmen schlank macht, was machen Blauwale falsch?



Wenn Maisoel aus Mais gemacht wird, wie sieht es mit Babyöl aus?



Wenn Superkleber wirklich überall klebt, warum dann nicht auf der Innenseite

der Tube?



Warum ist nie besetzt, wenn man eine falsche Nummer wählt?



Warum muss man für den Besuch beim Hellseher einen Termin haben?



Wenn das Universum alles ist und sich ausdehnt, wo dehnt es sich dann rein?



Bekommt man Geld zurück, wenn das Taxi rückwärts fährt?



Warum sind Möhren orangener als Orangen?



Warum ist einsilbig dreisilbig?



Warum glauben einem Leute sofort, wenn man ihnen sagt, dass es am Himmel 400

Billionen Sterne gibt, aber wenn man ihnen sagt, dass die Bank frisch

gestrichen ist, müssen sie draufpatschen?



Warum besteht Zitronenlimonade größtenteils aus künstlichen Zutaten, während

in Geschirrspülmittel richtiger Zitronensaft drin ist?



Warum hat Tarzan keinen Bart?



Leben Verheiratete länger oder kommt ihnen das nur so vor

Enanore Okumagba Clever president Bush 27.03.2003

Talking wisdom

> An airplane was about to crash, with five passengers

> on board but

> only four parachutes.

>

> The first passenger said, "I'm David Beckham, the

> best soccer player

> in the world, you can't afford to lose me!" So he

> took the first pack

> and jumped.

>

> The second passenger said, "I'm Hillary Clinton, the

> wife of the

> former US President, a New York Senator and

> potential future

> president." She took the second pack and jumped.

>

> The third passenger, George W Bush, said "I'm the

> President of the

> United States, the most powerful man in the world. I

> have great

> responsibility and I'm the cleverest president in

> American history."

> He grabbed the pack next to him, smiled, and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, said to the fifth passenger, an 8

> year old schoolgirl, "I'm old and don't have long to

> live. As I'm a

> Catholic I'll sacrifice my life and let you have the

> last parachute".

>

> The little girl turned to the pope and said, "It's

> OK, there is a

> parachute left for you. "The cleverest

> President has taken my

> school-bag".

Fidelis Oseghale Vienna Bush and Blair 27.0.2003

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He

> asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to

surround

> herself with intelligent people.

>

>

> Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

>

>

> "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to

> demonstrate."

>

>

> Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister,

> please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has

> a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

>

>

> Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

>

>

> "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and

> says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

>

>

> Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

>

>

> Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman

> of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse

> Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can

answer

> a question for me."

>

>

> "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

>

>

> Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father

> has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is

it?"

>

>

> Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back

> to you?"

>

>

> Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other

> senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several

> hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,

Helms

> calls Colin Powell at the State

> Department and explains his problem.

>

>

> "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a

> child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

>

>

> Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

>

>

> Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush,

> and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin

Powell!"

>

> And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

>

IGBINEDION AGAIN

Chief Gabriel Igbinedion at a re-election rally for

his son (Lucky) in Edo State:

"Una say Lucky fail, Lucky fail, if ur pickin fail

for school, e no go repeat the term?"

WORLD SURVEY. A FAILURE

Subject: World Survey

> > >

> > >Last year, a worldwide survey was conducted by the

> > UN.

> > >

> > >The only question asked was:

> > >

> > >"Would you please give your honest opinion about

> > solutions

> > >to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

> > >

> > >

> > >The survey was a huge failure...

> > >In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

> > >In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest"

> > meant.

> > >In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage"

> > meant.

> > >In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

> > >In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution"

> > meant.

> > >In South America they didn't know what "please"

> > meant.

> > >And in the US they didn't know what "the rest of

> > the world" meant.

Ame Odaro 16.03.2003 England

You have been away from our beloved Nigeria for some time, hence you might have actually lost any entitlement to call yourself Nigerian let alone carry the coveted GREEN Passport.

Please answer the questions below to see if you still qualify, compute your scores and let us know what you got. Post your results below.

NIGERIAN CITIZENSHIP TEST.

1. If the sum of £700,000 was erroneously credited to your current account would you?

a. Contact the bank and let them know of their mistake

b. Act as if nothing has happened and wait it out with the hope that they do not realise, and then start spending.

c. Open a Swiss account, transfer the money into it then emigrate to a country where your bank could not trace you i.e. Nigeria

2. What does the sight of a person in a flowing white garment conjure to you

a. A ghost

b. A Ku Klux Klan member

c. A member of a reputable spiritual church

3. If you have good credit do you have

a. 1 Credit Card

b. 2 Credit Cards

c. More than 3

4. If someone died and left you a 1846 antique Rolex of inestimable value, would you

a. Get it valued and Sell it.

b. Donate it to the National Maritime museum so the world can view this piece of art

c. Wear it

5. Someone brushes past you and hits you in the process do you

a. Grab you wallet to check if it is still there

b. Grab your private part or parts to see if they are still there.

c. Apologise and expect them to do the same.

6 If you are in the room with three Colleagues, you feel like farting, do you

a. Try and let it out silently and if it smells, deny that it was you.

b. Let it out without caring after all everybody farts

c. Let it out silently but apologise to everybody (even though they were not aware in the first place)

7. You see an ad in a paper for your dream job, but they require one year's more experience than you actually have, do you

a. Not bother applying for the job

b. Apply but tell the truth about amount of experience you have.

c. Apply and add the one year to your CV

d. Apply but adds two years experience.

8 You meet a member of the opposite sex you fancy and fancies you but you find out that they are a multimillionaire from embezzling public funds in their country, do you

a. Feel disgusted and turned off because you think they are corrupt and lack integrity

b. Get closer because it does not affect the way you feel about them.

c. Become more interested in them and make getting closer to them a do or die affair.

9 You buy a pay as U Go phone and before crediting it you find that you can make unlimited and unrestricted calls world wide, do you

a. Notify the supplier of your problem

b. Use it until they bar the phone

c. Use it and call your friends to use it until they bar it

d. Use it, call your friends, and charge people to use it till they bar it.

10. You have a job in an okay career but you will need steady career progression to get a really good salary, however your friends are getting high paid salaries in a totally unrelated field to yours do you.

a. Feel happy for them

b. Find out the details, and get into the field

c. Find out the details, get into it and tell everyone you know to get into it, until supply exceeds demand and there is no money in it anymore.


Please score yourself the following for each question

1 A 10 B 20 C 50

2 A 10 B 10 C 20

3 A 10 B 20 C 50

4 A 20 B 10 C 50

5 A 20 B 20 C 10

6 A 20 B 10 C 10

7 A 10 B 10 C 20 D 50

8 A 10 B 20 C 50

9 A 10 B 20 C 50 D 50

10 A 10 B 20 C 50


RESULTS

If you scored less than 110 APPLICATION DENIED

Please apply for British Citizenship; you are not worthy to hold a green passport.

110 - 200 FURTHER CULTURAL ADAPTATION NECESSARY.

It is obvious that you have strong ties with Nigeria however you need some more work done, we will give you a 3-year residency, and assess you after that.

210 - 300 APPLICATIONS ACCEPTED

Nigerian We Hail Thee you are truly one of us

301 - 350 APPLICATIONS GLADLY ACCEPTED

Please also try applying for government position

or go into Nigerian Politics.

350 + APPLICATION DENIED!

You are a threat to Nigeria Please apply for

Indian/Pakistan or Lebanese Citizenship





*****************************************************

A FOOL NEITHER FORGIVES NOR FORGETS,

THE NAIVE FORGIVES AND FORGETS,

THE WISE FORGIVES, BUT NEVER FORGETS.

Humphrey Ugbawa 15.03.2003 Dublin

There were two nuns...

>One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other

>one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are

>still far away from the convent.

>SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the

>past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

>SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

>SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the

>most?What can we do?

>SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

>SM: It's not working.

>SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical

>thing. He started to walk faster, too.

>SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one

>minute.

>SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way

>and I'll go this way.He cannot follow us both.

>So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

>Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about

>what has happened to Sister Logical.

>Then Sister Logical arrives.

>SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what

>happened!

>SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow

>us both,so he followed me.

>SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

>SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I

>could and he started to run as fast as he could.

>SM: And?

>SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

>SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

>SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

>SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

>SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

>

>SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

>SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

>And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail

>Marys!

Norbert Ivare 15.03.2003 Nigeria

1. The Lord na mai sheperd, I dey kampe. 2. He make me

sidon for where betta dey flow and come put me next to stream make mai bodi Thermocool 3. He panel beat mai soul come spray am white, come dey lead me dey go through express road of righteousness for sake of Hin name 4. Walahi, if i waka pass where arm robber, 419 and juju people borku, come even join okada reach valley wey the shadow of death dey , mai body dey inside cloth. Your rod and staff nko? Na so dem dey like back bone dey comfort me! 5. You don prepare Banga and starch make I chop. All mai enemies dey look like lucozade and anyanya as I dey chop. You come rub me for head with Vaseline Intensive Lotion. My cup na Ogunpa river wey dey overflow hin bank 6. Tru true, betta life and plenty mercy go gum mai back till I quench. And man go tanda for God House for yonda sotey from lai lai to lai lai. God Almighty, Na U

Biko Amin




John Ukiri 12.03.2003 Holland

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy

>> >says to the other, Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go

faster >if

>>you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. > >The other

guy,

>>who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, >takes off his

glasses

>>and asks, What would you like to discuss? > >The first guy says, Oh,

I

>>don't know; how about Nuclear Power? > >The other guy says, OK, that

could

>>make for some pretty interesting >conversation. But let me ask you a

>>question first: A horse, a cow, >and a deer all eat the same stuff,

but

>>the deer excretes pellets; the >cow, big patties; and the horse,

clumps of

>>dried grass. Why is that? > >The first guy says, I don't know. > >The

>>other guy says, Oh? Well then, do you really think you're >qualified

to

>>discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit? >

>

Ame Odaro 11.03.2003 England

why do men like dogs?


1. dogs dont shop

2.dogs dont hate their bodies

3.dogs dont let magazine articles run their lives

4.dogs dont expect gifts

5.dogs forgive them for playing with other dogs

6.dont dont notice if you call them another dogs name

7.dogs dont want to know about every other dog they've ever had

8.dogs love it when their friends come over

9.DOGS CANT TALK

10. ITS LEGAL TO KEEP A DOG CHAINED UP IN THEIR HOUSE!

11. when a dog gets old, they can shoot it


God made man

and then He thot of sumthing better

From Okechukwu Uche 11.03.2003 Trinidad & Tobago

I've learned....

That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.



I've learned....

That when you're in love, it shows.


I've learned....

That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.






I've learned....

That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful

feelings in the world.






I've learned....

That being kind is more important than being right.





I've learned....

That you should never say "no" to a gift from a child.





I've learned....

That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help

him in some other way.



I've learned....

That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a

friend to act goofy with.





I've learned....

That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to

understand.





I've learned....

That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I

was a child did wonders for me as an adult.





I've learned....

That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the

faster it goes.




I've learned....

That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.




I've learned....

That money doesn't buy class.



I've learned....

That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.




I've learned...

That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and

loved.




I've learned....

That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?


I've learned....

That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.





I've learned....

That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that

person continue to hurt you.



I've learned....

That love, not time, heals all wounds.



I've learned....

That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with

people smarter than I am.

Victor Obasuyi 12.03.2003 CANADA

TO MY DEAR WIFE:


During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.



I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.


The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:


54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us


Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:


6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


KEEP READING.......


==========================================================


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:


I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:


5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV


Of the times we did get together:


The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.


Once you read this letter you have to keep it going.

This game has been played since 1996.

You must send this letter to 7 people.

On the 5th day someone will ask you out or say "I love you."


This is not a joke.

It has worked for many years.

If you break the chain,

you will have bad luck with guys/girls forever.

This is just for future readers.

This began in 1996,not much of a past, but it works.


So here are the rules:


If you read this on a Sunday,wish for a good week

If you read this on a Monday, wish for money

If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love

If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success

If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want

If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot date

If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important phone call


Send this to seven people (after you make a wish).


Make sure it is sent as soon as you read it or your wish won't come true.


And check!




Myrna Pedroza


From Ena Okumagba 12.03.2003 U.S.A.

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first

>speaker, from England, stood up:

>

>"At last year's conference we spoke about being more

>assertive with our husbands.

>

>Well, after the conference I went home and told my

>husband that I would no longer cook for him and that

>he would have to do it himself.

>

>After the first day I saw nothing. After the second

>day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that

>he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd

>cheered.

>

>The second speaker, from America, stood up:

>

>"After last year's conference I went home and told my

>husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that

>he would have to do it himself.

>

>After the first day I saw nothing. After the second

>day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that

>he had done not only his own washing but my washing as

>well." The crowd cheered.

>

>The third speaker, from Nigeria, stood up:

>

>"After last year conference I go house and tell my

>husband that I no go do im cooking, cleaning or go

>market for am again, and dat he go dey do am imsef.

>

>After the first day i no see anytin. the second day

>sef, I see notin. But after the third day, as the

>swelling begin go down, I start to see small small

>from my left eye.

From Ikhifa Emma 10.03.2003 London

Obasanjo, Kema Chikwe (aviation minister), Agbani

> Darego (miss world) and Orji Kalu (Gov of Abia) were

> all travelling

> together in the same coach on a train. As the train

> went through a tunnel the whole coach became pitch

> dark.

> Suddenly there was a long kissing sound, followed

> immediatly by a loud sound of a 'dirty slap' - gboa!!!

> The whole coach went dead silent. As the train

> emerged from the tunnel OBASNJO had five fingerprints

> on his face and he was holding his cheek. Everyone

> looked away in embarrasment and pretended nothing

> happened.

> Kema was thinking to herself - Haa! these old men

> sha! imagine a whole president chasing small girls! He

> must have tried to kiss Agbani and got a dirty slap

> for his troubles!!

> OBASANJO was thinking to himself - kai! this stupid

> small boy! Orji must have tried to kiss Agbani!, she

> probably thought it was me and gave me a slap!

> Can such a young girl be so bold?

> Agbani was thinking to herself hmm! see this old

> man! he must have kissed Kema thinking it was me and

> got a dirty slap for his troubles!

> Orji was thinking to himself - Nice one! I can't

> wait for the train to go through another dark tunnel

> so that I can make a

> kissing noise and 'sound' this old man another dirty

> slap!

From Jolomi Esimaje 09.03.2003

A Chinese man took his pregnant wife to the hospital

> to deliver.

> She gave birth to a black baby,

> the chinese was shocked and named the baby;

> SUM TIN RONG!!

Humphrey Ugbawa 08.03.2003 Dublin

After getting all of Pope John-Paul II's luggage

loaded in the limo (and

> His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver

notices that the Pope is

> still standing on the curb.

>

> "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver. "Would

you please take your

> seat so we can leave?"

>

> "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They

never let me drive

> at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

>

> "I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my

job! And what if

> something should happen?" protests the driver,

wishing he'd never come

> to work that morning.

>

> "There might be something extra in it for you," says

the Pope.

>

> Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope

climbs in behind

> the wheel.

>

> The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after

exiting the airport,

> the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo

to 105 mph.

>

> "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the

worried driver, but the

> Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear

sirens. " I'm gonna

> lose my license," moans the driver.

>

> The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the

patrolman

> approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes

back to his

> motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk

to the Chief," he

> says to the dispatcher.

>

> The Chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him

that he's stopped a

> limo going a hundred and five." ,So bust him," said

the Chief.

>

> "I don't think we want to do that; he's really

important," said the cop.

>

> "All the more reason."

>

> "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

>

> "What ya got there, the Governor?"

>

> "Bigger."

>

> "The President?"

>

> "Bigger."

>

> "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

>

> "I think it's God!"

>

> "What makes you think it's God?"

>

> "He's got the Pope driving for him!"

OSHEHOR UKIRI 07.03.2003 Nigeria

GOD


IF SOMEONE HAD A GUN HELD IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE AND ASKED YOU IF YOU BELIEVED IN GOD, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? SAY NO AND FEEL ASHAMED THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? OR SAY YES, I DO, AND DIE STANDING UP FOR GOD? IF YOU'D SAY NO, THEN DELETE THIS E-MAIL. IF YOU WOULD SAY YES, AND STAND UP FOR JESUS CHRIST, PLEASE READ THIS AND PASS ON.


Note: This is a true article that was printed in a southern newspaper less then a year ago

TAKE A DEEP BREATH BEFORE READING THIS

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the Mom, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot ! himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, "Does anyone know who this is?" The little girl said, "I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died."



If you believe this little girl is telling the truth that even though she had never heard of Jesus, he still held her the night her parents died, then you will forward this to as many people as you can.

Or you can delete it as if it never touched your heart.

Funny, isn't it?

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.


Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.


Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. (Or is it scary?)


Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).


Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.


Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week. (Are you laughing?)

Funny how when you go to forward this message,you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me. (Are you thinking?)


Pass this on only if you mean it.


Yes, I do Love God



ANNA UKIRI 05.03.2003 Germany

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.

> > >The teacher was going to explain evolution to the

> > children. The teacher

> > >asked a little boy:

> > >

> > >TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

> > >TOMMY: Yes.

> > >TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

> > >TOMMY: Yes.

> > >TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can

> > see > the sky.

> > >TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I

> > > saw the sky.

> > >TEACHER: Did you see God?

> > >TOMMY: No.

> > >TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he

> > > isn't there. He

> > >doesn't exist.

> > >

> > >A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some

> > questions.

> > >The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

> > >

> > >LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

> > >TOMMY: Yes.

> > >LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

> > >TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the same questions

> > by this time).

> > >LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

> > >TOMMY: Yessssss

> > >LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

> > >TOMMY: Yes

> > >LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

> > >TOMMY: No

> > >LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught

> > today in school, she

> > >must

> > >not have one!

Ame Odaro 02.03.2003 England.

Hello Sisters & Brothers

>

> To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE

>

>Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But

> if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love

> can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you

>give

>it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

>

> To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE

>

> Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person." It's about

> finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

>

> To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE

>

>Never say "I love you" if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they

>aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in

>the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is

>to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it

>works both ways...

>

> To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED

>

> Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry." Not "where are you",

>but "I'm right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish

> you were", but "I'm thankful you are."

>

> To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED

>

>The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how

>good you are for each other.

>

> To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN

>

> Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to

>go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

>

> To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE

>

> How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be consistent but not too

>persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and

>get hurt but never keep the pain.

>

> To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE

>

> It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but

>it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

>

> To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS

>

> Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone

>breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no

>idea how you feel.

>

> To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON

>

> A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to

>find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted

>years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not

>going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.....

>

> TO ALL MY FRIENDS.......

>

> My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature,

>never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

>

> Stay blessed all...

>